Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about forgetting.

I just finished watching a new show on one of my favorite channels. It was based on the shooting in Nickel Creek, PA in the Amish community. The focus of the show was the dynamics of forgiveness. Two women struggle with their ability to forgive and find a way by the end of the show. Of course, I understood their anger and resentment. When the forgiveness happened I knew why it happened for them but I couldn't see how it fits into my life. What I do know is that I am so angry inside and that there are time when that anger feels good. In fact, at times it feel fantastic and it makes me smile. This, in turn is exactly how I feel about food. There are times when I hate it and myself so much that eating it makes me both sick to my stomach and feel good at the same time.

So, this begs this question...what happens if I were to forgive. Seriously, what would life be like if I forgave my mother for killing herself and leaving me? What would happen I forgave Carol, Shawn and Sonny? Even as I write these words the need to continue to hate feels better - seems greater than the benefit of forgiveness.

If I am stuck in this hate and unable to forgive, am I able to let go of whatever it is that keeps me bound to this weight and to this relationship with food? How connected is my level of anger and is that anger weighing on my soul so much that it is causing a literal weight on my body?

Perhaps it is true that forgiveness is not about forgetting but about opening my heart instead of my mouth. Just for tonight, whenever those angry thoughts about them or me or my body comes up I will offer that anger up to G-d in the hopes that if my thoughts go up my weight will come down.